The Grinch(ess) who Stole Christmas

Don't let the scenery fool you...
almost all of the Christmas stands in Rome's
idyllic Piazza Navona are filled with crummy
tchotchkes from the dollar store

Rome, currently in a veritable tsunami of scandals, has one more reason to be down and out.  Or at least, in some circles, that is.  Mayor Ignazio Marino's transparent administration decided this year to employ Best Practices and actually ask the market stall vendors to participate in a legal bid to sell the wares this holiday season.  Instead, thinking it was business as usual, they were a no-show.  And people are bemoaning this (potential) absence of their beloved 100-year holiday tradition.
But, for the rest of us who have ever spent time at a proper Christmas market (and you don't have to travel too far to find hot spiced wine and gorgeous handicrafts from Tuscany on over to the Dolomite area or Aosta), the news was truly joyous.  
It was as if the Grinch had come down off the Capitoline Hill himself, and, instead of weeping over our loss, we all joined hands in singing out the newfound Christmas spirit -- without the schlock.  It's as if this administration was going to take a stand against the creeping of Chinese capitalism right down to the lead-painted figurines and stuffed animals probably made from dogs hair thrown live into boiling vats of water.
So, here's a shout-out to one Dott.ssa Alfonsi -- the woman behind the attempt to regulate the Christmas marketplace.  Take a trip (on us, the taxpayers who pay your salary) and ride up to Bolzano.  Enjoy a nice hot pretzel with your hot wine.  And then, re-write a bid system that disallows any item that isn't crafted by hand in the Bel Paese [and I don't mean the hand of tiny Chinese children enslaved in sweat shops on the outskirts of Napoli].

Take a look:
This is what Christmas markets look like

Religious Figure Barbie & Ken Dolls Upset Church

In September 2014, the artists Pool & Maria Lena launched their provocative art show showing their own vision of religious icons and what they may mean today.  With Jesus Ken and Virgin Barbie, they proposed a number of figures reinterpreted from scripture, much to the consternation of the Catholic church.*

Representatives from across the Catholic clergy protested as a mockery of their faith this "art installation" - one depicting a Ken/Martyred Saint Sebastian with the colors of the gay rainbow.  Citing the blaspheme of presenting such figures, a spokesman said, "We do not think its right for people to use likenesses in this way.  We don't care if Barbie and Ken are the most-sold figures in the history of mankind.  Clearly the toy industry is not taking into consideration the billions of cheap plastic figures sold right in St Peter's Square and in gift shops of the Virgin, the Holy Family, and pretty much every other figure in the gospels.  Not to mention at Christmastime, when you can even have a teddy bear holy family in your manger."
Another bishop added, "These dolls contribute to the loss of innocence of children the world over. Only those of us - men of the cloth - should be allowed to defile our church and the tender lambs in our midst."

As for the artists, they believe that they have served art well; through their figures, they openly ask if religion can be reduced to a few icons. In response, the faithful the world over just made a collective shrug of their shoulders -- indicating clearly, that they had no idea what these artists were on about... 
As one person put it, with no irony whatsoever, "Despite all our efforts and our global sales of literally millions of these items, we've got nothing on the Colosseum-it's still the most-sold item in Rome."


* While the artists actually depicted religious figures from many different faiths, it was pointed out that they neglected to produce a figure of Mohammed...

Italy discovers hot water --Or, that being a Mammone is bad for your relationship

In an unprecedented move, a judge annulled a couple's marriage because the husband couldn't cut the apron strings with his mamma.  As his young wife discovered, that's not actually true.  It's not that they couldn't cut the strings. It's that the apron was hanging in his kitchen - with the mamma in it.

A Norwegian advert cleverly depicting a 'mammone'

in Life imitating Art

The judge's ruling was seen by many long-suffering wives as long overdue. One woman outside the courthouse was overheard saying, "Recognition of the problem is the first step toward recovery -- Now maybe, we can all start the healing process of putting mothers-in-law back in the rightful homes."

In fact, according to sociologists, mothers-in-law are the cause of 30% of separations in Italy, after mistresses and casual after-work sex with trans.  In another 40% of the cases, the cause for separation of course is death.  Not of elderly men who succumb to nature at a ripe old age, but the thousands of wives and exes who are killed at an astonishing rate by their partners.

For the court (and I am not making this up), the wife can consider her marriage invalid, since the husband was not in a position to stop being a bambino, even after moving out of the home - to the upstairs apartment.

Italy's Prime Minister Renzi goes for a Triple Dip

Photo from l'Espresso Magazine

As news of Italy entering a Triple-Dip Recession came in on the economic front, Italy's Prime Minister Renzi decided to celebrate by offering scoops of gelato to the clearly stressed & distressed employees of Palazzo Chigi, the seat of Italy's President.  Citing that they "Only earn 2.4 times the salary of Barack Obama," they needed some cheering up.    After all, Renzi continued, "To get a triple dip is as difficult as those triple flips dynamic gymnasts do at the Olympics.  My people work hard to get us where we are today.  It takes guts to gut a country - just see what Silvio did - so here's some buon gelato helping to help those who need it least."  A Renzi spokesperson added, "We're humanizing government.  These poor State employees have to face 'il rientro' from their 6-week holidays.  It's tough the first day back. I mean, the traffic! Our poor chauffeurs! It's a jungle out there."

Since his ice cream man stunt which was lampooned across social media left, right and center, Italy has since entered into a full-scale depression.  In response, Renzi, for his part said, "Depression? Isn't that the lovely recess where they put those lovely scoops of ice cream to make a fabulous sundae? Sounds delizioso!"

Despite all the criticism, people close to the Prime Minister remarked: "I'd rather see ice cream dished out here in cones than lathered upon call girls or another sort of cone in the private quarters of our Last Emperor, Silvio."

And, in case you're wondering where he got the inspiration, click here to hear Paolo Conte's excellent song, Un Gelato al Limon.

White Nights - The Costa Concordia Crew pulls an All-nighter

The amazing salvage operation of righting the downed cruise ship, The Costa Concordia, that had it looking like a beached whale since that fateful night when the Captain, showing off to his on-board hooker, finally came to a close as it pulled into the Genova (Genoa) harbour.  Crews worked day & night to first perch the ship on a ledge so it would not slide down onto the sea bed, destroying the natural habitat, and then righting the ship and finally, getting it to float - to then move up the coast to where it will be dismantled.

An amazing simulation video of the entire operation is here: 

http://video.ilsole24ore.com/SoleOnLine5/Video/Notizie/Italia/2013/concordia-rimozione/videoremoval.php

The French stirred up a fuss when they heard that Italians would be dragging the ship near the Corsica coast.  And so they sent out a pollution containment boat to "monitor" the process, as if yes, that would do the trick if the Concordia started leaking god knows what  hydrocarbons (no, I'm not smarter than a 5th grader) and muddying up the Mediterranean.  To put things in perspective, the boat is 60000 tons of steel - the Empire State Building is 57000.

So in this 24/7 and 2 1/2 year rescue operation came to a close, the Captain of the party ship decided he would celebrate the completion in the best way possible: By attending a White Party on the island of Ischia.  

Picture by Ischia Online Newspaper, Il Golfo

Issuing a statement as he wound his way thru the crowd, Schettino said that "Being on an island was as close as he could come to actually being near the island of Giglio" and "Wearing white is a sign of respect for those poor people who died so needlessly that night."  Schettino went on to say that by showing he was ready to move on with his life, and others (except, of course, those who perished) should do the same.  In short, by 'living it up' he was an example for all.

To the rest of us, left wondering what happened to House Arrest, Schettino said "House music, Arrested Development, just mix it in like a Buon Mojito, and all troubles will pass." 

Schettino bares his soul...

*White nights or, Notte Bianche are what Italians call all-nighters.

Italy wins for recycling most in Europe - The Costa Concordia

...in one fell swoop (both literally, and figuratively).  Already the largest ship salvage operation in history, crews finally floated the massive cruise liner as the first phase toward its final voyage Destination: The Breakers.  Although the nearly-beached ship (resting on a platform built to protect the environment in case the ship slid down into the bottom of the sea) made for a nice tourist attraction, the Costa Concordia who lost 32 passengers that fateful night, will leave its resting place to be sent up the coast to Genova to be taken apart.
Saving the ship in order to save the environment has come at a price tag of 1.5 billion euro - yeah, that's billion with a B.  The company is hoping to make their hapless Captain Coward, Mr. Schettino, pay for it.  "Maybe he can work it off, you know, by polishing the brass on a new boat - for the next 3000 years," one executive suggested. 
But Costa, operator of the very popular Costa Aquarium and other tourist attractions says they might just prop the ship up in the harbour in Genova. "I mean, people have been flocking to Giglio island for the better part of two years...imagine the crowds this could draw!" said another marketing executive. 
Certainly, it'd be one way to make the money back on the loss of their luxury liner.

A time-lapse from the Telegraph on refloating the ship

Garbage in your park? Rome decides if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

'La Bellezza sulla Monnezza'
Beauty wins over the Garbage Beast
photo from RomaToday

In an audacious move by Roma Capitale - or the Rome Municipality, the City decided to seriously 'think out of the box' and take on a new approach to garbage collection. By removing all the garbage cans* from one of its rather large parks. This experiment was launched on May 1st, and for the most part, was deemed somewhat successful. While more people brought their garbage out of the park nearer the large containers, they did see a larger accumulation around the canisters still left standing.
"The fact that people actually bothered to bring the garbage to one place rather than just leave it where they were picnicking for us is a huge success," remarked the AMA Garbage guys.  We hope that it catches on and more and more people who enjoy the park, actually take out what they put in.
Two months on, however, residents are reporting more and more garbage going uncollected than ever before. To the point that one of the rivers feeding into the Tiber has its very own garbage dam - made entirely of plastic bottles and reeds. 
"If nothing else, we've lightened the load on our work hours and workers. I mean, driving around the park every once in awhile and pretending we were doing it on a weekly basis was really maddening for all concerned. Now we just don't do it. This is one for transparent government."

*True story - only the quotes are made up (as usual)

European Taxi Drivers Uber-challenge: Beat them at their own illegal tricks

In a bizarre twist of karma, Taxi Drivers throughout Europe staged a strike to express their dismay with potential passengers, who, in their opinion, are not respecting the law. Uber, the car sharing app was launched in Europe, but no one knew about it until the taxis decided that passengers actually paying the right price for trips around town might threaten their monopoly on shaking down customers outright.  
As one taxi driver put it, "Are you kidding me? They pay only about 30 bucks to hop all in one car from the airport.  We charge over 100 for that kind of service - and with it, we give you a tour of all Milan or Rome before getting you to your destination. Beat that, Uber!"
In Italy, taxis were on strike, but no one even noticed, since they sit at their stations all day instead of actually carting passengers around town like in many other metropolises.  Another driver put it simply, "We can sit around all day if we like.  We just keep raising the rates. You know, it helps us offset the lack of passengers - we don't know why they'd prefer low-cost, heck, even air-conditioned vehicles. That's not what urban mobility is about, ya know what I mean?"
Another added, "Look--I make my living out of cheating customers. It's just how it's done. Foreigners? I double the meter. Sometimes I turn it off altogether. Or tell 'em it has to be a fixed rate for short distances. Bags, extra. Inside the city, outside the city, if you can double the meter at least three times a day, you're making it good. But it's not that easy. You think we're going to let these guys come in and provide a fixed low-cost price list for transport services?" 

UBER is a pusher in corrupt Milano - Outlaws
(irony not included)

But UBER, had the last laugh. I had no idea 'til today that the service even existed in Europe. Post-European wide strike, subscriptions went up by 850%. And just to show the taxis that they are a company well-versed in supply & demand, they even decided to lower their tariffs by 20%.  After all, everyone knows that taxi cab advertising garners the greatest number of hits. 

Italy's Prime Minister Renzi and the Million Euro Giveaway!

Well, make that 80 euro. But, if you multiply that figure by the number of people who received some extra dosh in the mail, well, you're pretty much feeling like the recipient of a Nigerian Prince's bounty. But in the interest of Par Condicio, since I took Berlusconi to task for the same practice [See Burnt by the Tuscan Sun's - Buying Votes with Public Money], I thought I'd give you the inside scoop on what, exactly, is going through Renzi & Cos. minds after conjuring up the Big Giveaway (of course, after counting the votes up that'd he'd get in response):

Photo by Bern as published in
Libero Quotidiano

80 Euro! Do you know what you can buy for that...!  Why, you can buy 10 pizza pies -- that's nearly one per month! That'll really get the economy rolling...

80 Euro! That's nearly a one-way trip on a super-fast (well, okay..not-so-fast) train from Rome to Milano.  Too bad, you won't be able to get out, but the 80 would take you as far as say...Parma! And, they have terrific prosciutto to boot.  Imagine the taste of that prosciutto after you've been buying lowcost counterfeit prosciutto from Albania all these years just to save a few bucks.  It'll melt right in your mouth.

80 Euro! Well, since I'm about to raise the garbage tax and a few others...it actually, will come out in the wash...but, don't tell anyone I said so. Especially that guy Grillo. He'll go ballistic.

80 Euro! By my calculations, that's roughly one and a half tanks of gas.  Now, that may not sound like much, but think about it--In those terms, you'll start riding a bicycle and that's good for the environment! So, it's a Win-Win-Win kinda deal...I win election, the environment wins, and you win too - as long as you don't spend it on gasoline...that is.

Italy still Denying that Women can Rock

Touting itself as, "The best major festival in Italy" [I know, I know, damn that GoogleTranslate!!] every summer our Italian Post Office sponsors a total man-fest Rock in Roma concert series, blatantly keeping women out of the program, six years running. Clearly, Italy, despite gifting us a string of hugely talented and successful women rockers, including awesome voices like Gerardina Trovato - the Tracy Chapman of Sicily - Georgia and Fiorella Mannoia, still prefers the comfort of a caveman existence, highlighted by the playlist coming out of the Rock & Roll show.

Organizers state, "Well, we need to keep up with Mali and Saudi Arabia. Their concert series attract thousands."  Before adding, "With this new Pope, even Vatican concerts are more inclusive. Someone's gotta keep women out of the picture. And besides, Madonna, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga act too much like divas. They want to sing, let 'em go to Perugia Jazz Festival.

Once you get your head around the fact that the bankrupt Post Office should be sponsoring anything, (clearly taking a cue from the U.S. Post Office sponsoring the Tour de France bicycle race, an event that went out of the American public's consciousness about when letter-sending did), you wonder what form of machismo is their artistic director made of.  Heck, with photos like this, they could even take the daring step and invite Conchita Wurst, the Eurovision contest winner, and keep to their XY chromosome entry bar.

Here are the 2013 and 2014 Rosters - You can go back even further here -- and try to find the girl groups (in bold below). Of course, with names like Smack my bitch up and Symphony of Destruction, obviously it's a guy-thang.

2014 ROCK IN ROMA LINEUP

GIUDA + THE CYBORGS                                                                 

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE + WE ARE SCIENTISTS             

BILLY IDOL + JESUS WAS HOMELESS                

AVENGED SEVENFOLD

THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS

PRODIGY /  DIE ANTWOORD    

ARCADE FIRE

ROB ZOMBIE / MEGADETH 

DAVID GUETTA

METTALICA + ALICE IN CHAINS

THE BLACK KEYS

THE LUMINEERS + PASSENGER

PAOLO NUTINI + THE RAINBAND

EDITORS

CAPAREZZA

PLACEBO - well, they have one woman on stage

BASTILLE + GEORGE EZRA

AFTERHOURS 

FRANZ FERDINAND + THE CRIBS

————————————————————— 

201E ROCK IN ROMA LINEUP

MY BLOODY VALENTINE

GREEN DAY

THE KILLERS 

STEREOPHONICS

TOTO

KORN

BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE

IGGY & THE STOOGES

MAX GAZE’

RAMMSTEIN

ARCTIC MONKEYS

MILES KANE

SPRINGSTEEN

MARK KNOPFLER & BAND

SMASHING PUMPKINS

MARK LANEGAN BAND

ATOMS FOR PEACE

SKA-P

DEEP PURPLE

ZUCCHERO 

DANIELE SILVESTRI

NEIL YOUNG

DEVENDRA BANHART

SIGUR ROS

BLUR NEGRITA

THE CURE 

GARBAGE

NINA ZILLI 

And, lest you think it's because women don't rock hard, even names like Neil Young and The Beach Boys are listed. So where's Blondie, Pat Benatar or even, Tracy Chapman?  And, just to fool you into thinking there are women groups, they've added groups like Nigrita or Devendra (pictured above) - but, no, if you're a woman rocker, better to be out of sight, out of ear shot for PostePay,  Live Nation and co-sponsors City of Rome, Corriere della Sera, and others.

"Look, we're sponsored by the Post Office. All those women tellers stand behind thick glass windows so you can't hear a word they're saying. And in Italy, we still call them PostMen - il Postino - just like the movie. And besides, have you ever seen a woman delivering mail?  We're just upholding a long-standing tradition."

Buon Giorno, Putin! Have we gotta deal for you!

Photo from Il Fatto Quotidiano

In the middle of Italy's prolonged economic crisis, which is still ongoing, Berlusconi's Defense Minister La Russo decided to throw motor oil atop the festering flames of a population forced to hear "we don't have the money" for nursery schools or hospital toilet paper or school repairs. He did what any despotic dictator would do, and purchased 19 Maserati's for his cronies errr...commanders to the tune of 2.2 M euro. Saying they were low budget items, like no-name brand toothpaste, he said that he not only saved the country money vis-a-vis Audi's, but that it helped create jobs for those poor folks slaving away on the Maserati assembly line. After all, it was a world economic crisis and those cars just weren't in high demand.
This year, many of these infamous auto blu - dark blue sedans for politicians - went up for auction, as part of an austerity program instigated by, I believe, former short-term Prime Minister, Monti. And while most of the standard cars (about 200) went for sale, it seems no one - not even the idly rich political class wants to pay the VAT (Value Added Tax) on a used vehicle.
So, the government went to ebay.
Unfortunately, it appears that the dark windows and bullet-proof doors aren't for everyone. Not even the mafia nor the camorra.  
So, Silvio?  You're good friends with Putin...why don't you play the middleman? I'm sure these kinds of cars are in big demand over there.  And maybe the Italian government would even give you a percentage on the deal. 

Berlusconi Does Community Service

A new media petition asking, What would you have Silvio do?

Silvio's cool 'Get out of Jail Free' card got him closer to his wish of community service - he has asked to work in a geriatric home or disabled center.  So, finally, after 20 years in politics, someone will actually see the benefits; albeit only once a week (am or pm).  Or will they?  

I think the septuagenerian Berlusconi will provide a public service by paying for face lifts - boob jobs - and penile implants for all.  Here, I've compiled the best of Italian humor on how he's going to be spending his time...

Cleaning the halls of one of his villas

Silvio the crooner - known for his 'entertainments'

Italy's near-90 yr old President
hopes that Silvio gets to assist the elderly

[Italians use 'sweep' to signify to 'screw']
So, here...
You loved to sweep, so enjoy!

 

Mussolini loses his citizenship

In what some people thought was an April Fool's joke on the part of city administrators of Torino (Turin), Benito Mussolini was stripped of his place of honor of nearly a century as an upright citizen of Torino.  
"And you people thought that giving keys to the City was just a matter of pomp.  Just know, we can give you the keys and generations later, when we re-write history, we can take them away," remarked Torino's Mayor.

Fascism - from the Etruscan & later
Roman Empire idea
that bound together (with fasces)
we are strong

While they 'whited out' Mussolini's citizenship from the storied ledgers and restored their place in history as anti-fascist, officials chose to whitewash Torino's birthplace of the Kings of Italy.  Victor Emanuel III of the House of Savoy is the guy who brought Mussolini to power after WWI, appointing him Prime Minister at the age of 39 and with no prior experience in politics.  When the monarchy was voted out after WWII, Victor fled to live out his last days in Alexandria, Egypt, a bit like Marc Anthony back in better times.  
The House of Savoy was exiled and its male descendants not permitted to re-enter Italy -- until 2002 -- after Italians realized that, due to centuries of in-breeding, the family was pretty much innocuous -- And besides, they couldn't inflict much more damage than the Italian politicians themselves (from either party), including Berlusconi, Prodi & Co.
Clearly suffering an identity complex, no sooner was the heir, Victor Emanuel, allowed in the country than he took a cue from Berlusconi, and was arrested for abetting prostitution and corruption.  Not to be outdone, the Savoys then tried to sue Italy for damages done to them following their 20th century reign. Italy counter-sued for damages, and, the Italian courts expect a decision sometime in the year 2167.  The Jewish community, almost exterminated entirely under the Savoy reign, is still waiting for damages as well.

When asked about Mussolini's place in history, showman and former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, and Putin pal, put it best:

"Mussolini never killed anyone. 

At most, he just sent people for vacation on the border." 

After the vote, and in a rare moment of sheer lucidity, some of the Torino cabinet from the extreme Lega Party demanded that Torino change the name of one of its major thoroughfares, the Avenue of the Soviet Union.  
Seeing how events are unfolding in Crimea, the Mayoral office decided to take a 'wait and see attitude' - citing, "You never know, like Alessandra Mussolini, or Alemanno, the fascist Mayor of Rome, there's always time for a comeback-just ask Putin. Or Berlusconi."


*Veritas Check:  Incredibly, everything in this post is entirely true except the quotes from the Torino Mayoral office.

La Grande Bellezza Receives Pulitzer Grand Prize - Journalism's Highest Honor

§  La Grande Bellezza  §

Sorrentino's Oscar-winning & film and tribute to Fellini has been recognized by cultural commentators the world over for giving the world a new nauseating description for italophiles of the 21st century.  The title of his film, displacing the hackneyed La Dolce Vita when referring to every single aspect of Italian life, sweet or not, we now have a new term of phrase.  

According to Google, La Grande Bellezza has already been used in the English and Italian press to describe everything from a night out in Rome to walking tours to Italian runway models and even the Detroit Auto Show - Really?! - over 6.789.438.000 times (and counting).  So much so, the NYTimes is considering mounting a fast-paced time clock just ringing up whenever someone - anyone - from Saskatchewan to Seattle uses the phrase in a blog, article, newsletter, profile, you name it.  A spokesperson for the Times commented, "Well, this is so much more important - I mean, it took centuries for Et Tu, Brutus? to die out.  We think La Grande Bellezza won't even become nauseating until at least 2340."

It's been said that Fellini can stop shouting from his grave, "Ironia!  Ironia!  Ow many times must I cry out in desperation, Irony!" and rest finalmente in peace.  As for the Pulitzer committee, starting this April, they have decided to rename their esteemed prize, La Grande Bellezza.

Italy...And the Art of the Impossible

Italians love to use the expression that they are experts at the Art of the Impossible, and...judging from history...there's a lot of truth to that.  But now, the announcement by British model and Social Enterprise Entrepreneur Lily Cole to launch her life's mission, Impossible.com well, Italians see that they must step up to the plate.

Click here for full webcast from The Guardian

Surprisingly articulate for a blonde model, Lily Cole took the Italian press by a storm with her announcement to launch a social enterprise that will help people achieve their dreams.  But for Italians, the real story behind her activism was that this youthful Lily sits on boards or donates time, energy and funds to over 20 social foundations.  This sparked an outrage amongst Italian models, first among them, Carla Bruni, who stated, "Why would anyone want to actually work, when they can just marry the President of a country?  It does wonders (along with plastic surgery) for the staying power of your failed career."

Not to be outdone, Berlusconi's Friends with Big Benefits [which includes monthly stipends, jewelry, private planes and hush money], said they were announcing a new online site, too, called "Possibile" -  written in Italian so no one can ever find it - where they would teach other aspiring call girls how anything is possible if you just 'know the right people."


Ruby Rubacuore (in English, Ruby Heartstealer) said she'll teach women how to revive a flacid member in 6 minutes or less.  She says that she'll offer unique workshops on working a penis pump so even an octogenerian Lothario can believe he's all in.  The amount of money you can make is obscene; enough to buy your own sportscars or Rolex watches.  

Nicole Minetti will work the angle of teaching organizational skills for any aspiring Madam.  Her motto?  Why give away money if you don't get something in return?  She'll show women the ropes of sleeping your way around the houses of the European Parliament as well.   "The amount of money politicians are willing to throw your way? Ridiculous.  I'm so glad I can actually do something worthwhile with my riches.  By showing others how to suck at the public teat so to speak (after getting your own blown up to epic proportions) will be terrific."

Noemi Letizia who is remembered by having a visit by Silvio at her 18 yr birthday party says she's been able to capitalize on her "friendship with Papi" by finding the ideal plastic surgeon who will keep her looking like all of the President's women - with those big fish lips and ironed blonde hair.  "Anything is possible if you just close your eyes when you suck him off and dream of the gifts that will be on your way."

And finally, the Dama Bianca, Federica Gagliardi (arrested today while trying to import 24kg of coke from Venezuela) will show you how to "Just ask for favors in a quick elevator pitch (my secret: It helps to look like the Silvio 'Type' - blonde & big-lipped).  I told Papi I wanted a private jet to the G20, before you knew it, I had half a dozen men to sleep with and ply me with cocaine.  I'm so happy I can show women how to blow through the blow, so to speak. So they can be a model for others and show that they, too, can make riches and not do anything noteworthy with them (well, buying a nice villa is, of course, always a good thing in this day & age - you never know when you're under House Arrest).  

People will understand that with our new endeavor, anything is Possibile.  Anything.  So just take it lying down if someone tells you otherwise.

"Veronica" Lario - Mrs. Berlusconi 2

Italians Flip Out over Women Cabinet Members in New Renzi Govt

Italy's youngest Prime Minister decided to take a very bold step - not in campaigning against government corruption, the mafia, and a bingo card of problems that beset Italy in the 21st century - but in his appointment of an unsightly crowd to help solve Italy's most severe problems:  Women.  
Italians, in response said that it "might be fine for Pope Francis and the Holy See" to put women in plum jobs, but, asserted that Italy is a Catholic country -- where women are reserved for only one high office: The Assumption of the Virgin, celebrated each August 15th.  
Some observers from Berlusconi's government were indignant, stating that "Women, especially the young ones, need to be seen in the back seats of limos with darkened windows or at plastic surgeons' waiting rooms and after, in centerfolds or the Pirelli Calendar" - but not standing in broad daylight with the President of the country. 
To keep octogenarian President Napolitano's blood pressure in check, he was told that the women were there to take measurements for new drapes and posed happily for the 'before' pictures in the reception room.

Others from the Left -- clearly unhappy that the women were so green they hadn't yet conceived of lining their pockets with bribes in order to sport the latest fashions at top euro prices -- complained that the Cabinet members should have "Put in a call to Armani" like Berlusconi's hooker-hookerupper, Nicole Minetti.

After an all-male film crew then sexually harassed the neo-Minister Boschi; taking it so far as to not addressing her with the formal "Lei" reserved for men in power only, they said they wanted to teach her a lesson.  "How dare she wear a color not found in nature - and during fashion week, of all things!"

Observers remarked that sadly, Italians truly hate change.  They much prefer men in black and grey suits while their mistresses can sport any color of tanga produced by La Perla.  That way, they stay distracted by the 'eye candy' while the millions stuffed in leather cases are passed from one to another, without anyone noticing.  "Now with women in high office, where is she going to stuff all the bribes?  In her bra?" one developer, who asks to remain anonymous, commented in disgust.

More on the Sexist Fixation from The Daily Mail

Advertising Age: Swiss Style

On my original blog, Burnt by the Tuscan Sun, every so often I post the ridiculous ad campaign that catches my eye.  I rate them by the age of the mental faculties of the person who most decidedly thought it up.  While visiting Switzerland, however, I discovered that it isn't just the Italians who are brand-challenged.  [This is not to say that the Swiss don't usually excel in outstanding graphics and ads to promote any cause - so let's just say, it may be the exception that proves the rule].
So, I give you, Migros Stores private label fab toothpaste: 

Yes, it's true..that Candida is Latin for stark white.  And a Nova is a cool star, but it still means "NO GO" and as such, a bit ridiculous for a car brand.  Candida as any woman over the age of 14 knows is...a yeast infection.  Finding this tube of white cream on any bathroom counter provokes an acute case of head scratching; in an effort to determine just - what, exactly - this treatment is for.

A few other faithful expat bloggers have caught the Candida branding fever too.  Here they are, putting the rub on the dear ol' Swiss:

• Life in Switzerland 
• Mike the Mad Biologist
• Live Paola's Name Fail

Regardless, I still offer my hand in holy matrimony to the Italian ad-guy who thought up Soffass Toilet Paper.  Click here for blogger Married to Italy's quick review of what may now be rebranded as Sofis...

Italian Corruption: Going where (sadly, every man) has gone before

We barely finished celebrating Italy's first astronaut in space, when, the head of the ASI - Italian Space Agency has been caught with his hands (allegedly) in the multi-million euro till.  Their offices have been sequestered along with those of their suppliers - from their travel agency to their events planners.  Investigated for issuing false bills and taking multi-million euro junkets to Californian conferences that were not taking place; so much for being the pride and joy of Italy - in a year that saw their CERN researchers identify the Higgs Boson particle and sent a man into space.  Or is it, that, as a symbol of Italy, Enrico Saggese - an engineer with a whole lot of political ties - is just that? 
In his defense, he claims that these mysterious expenses were "an internal matter" and needed to be treated as such.  Nonetheless, it brings to mind that old joke about an International Space Agency - set in Geneve - looking for the right astronaut to send to a Mission to Mars:

They comb the world for an astronaut who could take on this mission.  It would last years.  You had to be nimble, ready for anything, and be a top scientist and in superb physical shape.  The Americans, the Chinese, India, S Korea, Canada...everyone is considered.  They are down to their last three candidates.

The American Astronaut comes in and says...
Well, of course, NASA has the no. 01 Space Program on earth. I've been training for years. I know every part of that ship, and could handle anything that's thrown at me.
I will do it for $600,000.

The Russian Cosmonaut sits down and states...
We were the brains behind the MIR Space Station. In the name of mother patria, we will make sure it is the best mission ever accomplished.  I am willing to leave my family, my motherland for this mission.  I will do it for $700,000.

Next, comes in the Italian astronaut.  He sits down, and with little fanfare, blurts out:
Three years?  Away from la famiglia?  I will do this job for $1 million.

Aghast, the committee Chairman says...
What? What are you talking about? Sure, your researchers are top-notch, but you don't even have any spaceships...You just sent your first man up in space!  The Americans have a space program that's been going on for decades!  The Russians have just as much experience!  What do you have to say for yourself?

The Italian gets up, shuts the door, and leans forward.  In hush tones he says...
Don't you get it?  Two-hundred for me / Two-hundred for you / and dee American goes to Mars!

To ESL Learners Everywhere: Why does Gate have to be synonymous with Scandal

I admit it, I have been fully relishing in the day by day revelations of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's alleged bullying rampage.  Only Illinois seems to be more corrupt, and we won't get into a Chicago / New Orleans showdown.  But what I can't tolerate is the moniker most of the press have haplessly attached to a scandal about a bridge:  BridgeGate.  It makes my skin crawl just to type the word.  Must we be condemned to add the suffix -Gate to every scandal that crosses our collective radar?  By now, most people interested in the news have no idea what or why this is.  I can just imagine dictionaries today, adding this suffix to the list of possible word endings.  I can see foreigners the world over scratching their heads, "Those are toll lanes, not gates!" or "Monica-Gate? How many people was she bonking?"
While in an Italian language forum one woman cast her plea out into the world..."Can someone please tell me what is Watergate?!"  A few years ago, the online press, Il Post took it on themselves to explain, in no uncertain terms, the bizarre practice with the Italian press, posting this headline:  Why all scandals are called Gate.
But what is an even more audacious commentary on American marketing prowess, is the fact that even Italian scandals sport the Gate ending, which always makes me wonder if they pronouce it, Gah-teh; which confuses them more than ever.  Rubygate / Batman-Gate / Sexy-Gate (the scandal covered in "Vesuvian sauce") -- they even relished in New York City Mayor's eating his pizza in true Italian style, with a fork = Fork-gate.  
I need to take a break because I am writhing in pain.
But, it didn't start with the Italians.  If I am to trust my web sources (hah!), it is the fearful English-hegemony French that started it all in the first place.  In 1978, a scandal broke which was quickly dubbed, Winegate.  From there, it was a slippery slope straight down to the bottom.  Today, we are treated to Hollande-Gate or Gayet-Gate.  Help me.  Please.  Someone.  Anyone.  Although I must say, European "Gate" scandals tend to be more associated with sex scandals than with corruption.  Maybe because they're more used to brushing off the bribes?
When will another scandal be so great as to stop the gate verbage cold?  Enron - Madoff - Parmalat. Parmalat was the largest financial scandal in history.  Berlusconi's Ruby Heartstealer could be called Rubyalat (which just happens to rhyme with "a lot") or  Hollande's First-Lady problems would be Premier Dame-alat?  Anything but Gate.  

For those of you who don't know what, in reality, Watergate even stands for, it was the name of the hotel complex situated on the Potomac where President Nixon's guys broke into the Democratic National Committee Headquarters.  

Recently, the President of Rome's regional government found a bug in his office underneath a chair, which garnered almost no mention in the press.  Most of Berlusconi's convictions rest upon wire-tapping of his inner circle and his adversaries alike. People don't think twice anymore.  It's no wonder that Gate may be here to stay.  Aiuto.

Italian: A phonetic language, after all

And it kills me to think of how difficult learning English must be for poor Italians, with our bear, bare's or our threw, through, thru and so on.  And if I lived in France, I for one would be on that committee to make French phonetic.  I mean, who needs all those unpronounced consonants, really?  
But this sighting at Rome's newly vamped, multi-million euro train station & bus terminal just took the piss right out of me...I mean, you have to hand it to the Italians, who do offer for all the rest of us, much signage in multi-languages.  The USA or UK could only be so accommodating.  But, prior to Google Translate, we'd all get a big kick out of the Italianish. Post Google Translate it's even all the more risible.  But this picture, showing the way to the Metro - otherwise known as a Subway in the USA, and the Underground in London well...

Picture & full article from Il Messaggero Roman newspaper

And just to confuse you English speakers, when you do, indeed, go to London and see signs for a subway, well, that'll just take you down underneath the busy streets and up to the other side of the road - a subway in fact (or a semi-private toilet, depending on how you look at it).

Check out my latest post on Burnt by the Tuscan Sun! 
Helicopter Parents meets HR.
http://burntbythetuscansun.blogspot.it/2014/01/finding-job-in-italy-what-not-to-do.html