Italy launches Change Your Life - Change Italy program

An esteemed panel of mystical elders descended upon Italy to announce the BestProgram2015 - a sort of twinning program to bring some of Italy's brightest potential entrepreneurs to Silicon Valley - and then...to hope and pray and chant so that they actually come back home to Italy as successful entrepreneurs.
The program, called Change Your Life - Change Italy showed Italians precisely what they needed to make it in Silicon Valley:  Balls, to be precise.  Judging from our panel and the notorious chauvinism of Silicon Valley, this meritocracy need not have any XY chromosomes.
Taking place just one day after the Economist went full frontal vagina, and Samantha the Italian astronaut, sent amazing photos from the Space Station, the group of elders made their announcement: 

We chose to announce this grand program right on the doorstep of the Vatican - a fine institution that has been run by men-only for centuries.  That is what we stand for: where algorithms are our religion, we think that by taking their example, we, too, can be around for centuries as well. 

As for the participants, they said they couldn't wait to get over to the USA and learn to be successful innovators so they could stop those 'uppity women' who now lead the CERN particle accelerator, Facebook (of all things!) and - heck - even General Motors.  
They also said they couldn't wait to get back to Italy where they could then drop 54% of earnings on taxes in order to pay the politicians' bribes (they will consider it a donation), employees who can never be fired, and five times the cost of gas for their cars.  "But, hey, one optimistic participant beamed...at least cappuccino will still be a buck fifty". 

The Grinch(ess) who Stole Christmas

Don't let the scenery fool you...
almost all of the Christmas stands in Rome's
idyllic Piazza Navona are filled with crummy
tchotchkes from the dollar store

Rome, currently in a veritable tsunami of scandals, has one more reason to be down and out.  Or at least, in some circles, that is.  Mayor Ignazio Marino's transparent administration decided this year to employ Best Practices and actually ask the market stall vendors to participate in a legal bid to sell the wares this holiday season.  Instead, thinking it was business as usual, they were a no-show.  And people are bemoaning this (potential) absence of their beloved 100-year holiday tradition.
But, for the rest of us who have ever spent time at a proper Christmas market (and you don't have to travel too far to find hot spiced wine and gorgeous handicrafts from Tuscany on over to the Dolomite area or Aosta), the news was truly joyous.  
It was as if the Grinch had come down off the Capitoline Hill himself, and, instead of weeping over our loss, we all joined hands in singing out the newfound Christmas spirit -- without the schlock.  It's as if this administration was going to take a stand against the creeping of Chinese capitalism right down to the lead-painted figurines and stuffed animals probably made from dogs hair thrown live into boiling vats of water.
So, here's a shout-out to one Dott.ssa Alfonsi -- the woman behind the attempt to regulate the Christmas marketplace.  Take a trip (on us, the taxpayers who pay your salary) and ride up to Bolzano.  Enjoy a nice hot pretzel with your hot wine.  And then, re-write a bid system that disallows any item that isn't crafted by hand in the Bel Paese [and I don't mean the hand of tiny Chinese children enslaved in sweat shops on the outskirts of Napoli].

Take a look:
This is what Christmas markets look like

Religious Figure Barbie & Ken Dolls Upset Church

In September 2014, the artists Pool & Maria Lena launched their provocative art show showing their own vision of religious icons and what they may mean today.  With Jesus Ken and Virgin Barbie, they proposed a number of figures reinterpreted from scripture, much to the consternation of the Catholic church.*

Representatives from across the Catholic clergy protested as a mockery of their faith this "art installation" - one depicting a Ken/Martyred Saint Sebastian with the colors of the gay rainbow.  Citing the blaspheme of presenting such figures, a spokesman said, "We do not think its right for people to use likenesses in this way.  We don't care if Barbie and Ken are the most-sold figures in the history of mankind.  Clearly the toy industry is not taking into consideration the billions of cheap plastic figures sold right in St Peter's Square and in gift shops of the Virgin, the Holy Family, and pretty much every other figure in the gospels.  Not to mention at Christmastime, when you can even have a teddy bear holy family in your manger."
Another bishop added, "These dolls contribute to the loss of innocence of children the world over. Only those of us - men of the cloth - should be allowed to defile our church and the tender lambs in our midst."

As for the artists, they believe that they have served art well; through their figures, they openly ask if religion can be reduced to a few icons. In response, the faithful the world over just made a collective shrug of their shoulders -- indicating clearly, that they had no idea what these artists were on about... 
As one person put it, with no irony whatsoever, "Despite all our efforts and our global sales of literally millions of these items, we've got nothing on the Colosseum-it's still the most-sold item in Rome."


* While the artists actually depicted religious figures from many different faiths, it was pointed out that they neglected to produce a figure of Mohammed...

Italy discovers hot water --Or, that being a Mammone is bad for your relationship

In an unprecedented move, a judge annulled a couple's marriage because the husband couldn't cut the apron strings with his mamma.  As his young wife discovered, that's not actually true.  It's not that they couldn't cut the strings. It's that the apron was hanging in his kitchen - with the mamma in it.

A Norwegian advert cleverly depicting a 'mammone'

in Life imitating Art

The judge's ruling was seen by many long-suffering wives as long overdue. One woman outside the courthouse was overheard saying, "Recognition of the problem is the first step toward recovery -- Now maybe, we can all start the healing process of putting mothers-in-law back in the rightful homes."

In fact, according to sociologists, mothers-in-law are the cause of 30% of separations in Italy, after mistresses and casual after-work sex with trans.  In another 40% of the cases, the cause for separation of course is death.  Not of elderly men who succumb to nature at a ripe old age, but the thousands of wives and exes who are killed at an astonishing rate by their partners.

For the court (and I am not making this up), the wife can consider her marriage invalid, since the husband was not in a position to stop being a bambino, even after moving out of the home - to the upstairs apartment.

Italy's Prime Minister Renzi goes for a Triple Dip

Photo from l'Espresso Magazine

As news of Italy entering a Triple-Dip Recession came in on the economic front, Italy's Prime Minister Renzi decided to celebrate by offering scoops of gelato to the clearly stressed & distressed employees of Palazzo Chigi, the seat of Italy's President.  Citing that they "Only earn 2.4 times the salary of Barack Obama," they needed some cheering up.    After all, Renzi continued, "To get a triple dip is as difficult as those triple flips dynamic gymnasts do at the Olympics.  My people work hard to get us where we are today.  It takes guts to gut a country - just see what Silvio did - so here's some buon gelato helping to help those who need it least."  A Renzi spokesperson added, "We're humanizing government.  These poor State employees have to face 'il rientro' from their 6-week holidays.  It's tough the first day back. I mean, the traffic! Our poor chauffeurs! It's a jungle out there."

Since his ice cream man stunt which was lampooned across social media left, right and center, Italy has since entered into a full-scale depression.  In response, Renzi, for his part said, "Depression? Isn't that the lovely recess where they put those lovely scoops of ice cream to make a fabulous sundae? Sounds delizioso!"

Despite all the criticism, people close to the Prime Minister remarked: "I'd rather see ice cream dished out here in cones than lathered upon call girls or another sort of cone in the private quarters of our Last Emperor, Silvio."

And, in case you're wondering where he got the inspiration, click here to hear Paolo Conte's excellent song, Un Gelato al Limon.

Italy wins for recycling most in Europe - The Costa Concordia

...in one fell swoop (both literally, and figuratively).  Already the largest ship salvage operation in history, crews finally floated the massive cruise liner as the first phase toward its final voyage Destination: The Breakers.  Although the nearly-beached ship (resting on a platform built to protect the environment in case the ship slid down into the bottom of the sea) made for a nice tourist attraction, the Costa Concordia who lost 32 passengers that fateful night, will leave its resting place to be sent up the coast to Genova to be taken apart.
Saving the ship in order to save the environment has come at a price tag of 1.5 billion euro - yeah, that's billion with a B.  The company is hoping to make their hapless Captain Coward, Mr. Schettino, pay for it.  "Maybe he can work it off, you know, by polishing the brass on a new boat - for the next 3000 years," one executive suggested. 
But Costa, operator of the very popular Costa Aquarium and other tourist attractions says they might just prop the ship up in the harbour in Genova. "I mean, people have been flocking to Giglio island for the better part of two years...imagine the crowds this could draw!" said another marketing executive. 
Certainly, it'd be one way to make the money back on the loss of their luxury liner.

A time-lapse from the Telegraph on refloating the ship

Buon Giorno, Putin! Have we gotta deal for you!

Photo from Il Fatto Quotidiano

In the middle of Italy's prolonged economic crisis, which is still ongoing, Berlusconi's Defense Minister La Russo decided to throw motor oil atop the festering flames of a population forced to hear "we don't have the money" for nursery schools or hospital toilet paper or school repairs. He did what any despotic dictator would do, and purchased 19 Maserati's for his cronies errr...commanders to the tune of 2.2 M euro. Saying they were low budget items, like no-name brand toothpaste, he said that he not only saved the country money vis-a-vis Audi's, but that it helped create jobs for those poor folks slaving away on the Maserati assembly line. After all, it was a world economic crisis and those cars just weren't in high demand.
This year, many of these infamous auto blu - dark blue sedans for politicians - went up for auction, as part of an austerity program instigated by, I believe, former short-term Prime Minister, Monti. And while most of the standard cars (about 200) went for sale, it seems no one - not even the idly rich political class wants to pay the VAT (Value Added Tax) on a used vehicle.
So, the government went to ebay.
Unfortunately, it appears that the dark windows and bullet-proof doors aren't for everyone. Not even the mafia nor the camorra.  
So, Silvio?  You're good friends with Putin...why don't you play the middleman? I'm sure these kinds of cars are in big demand over there.  And maybe the Italian government would even give you a percentage on the deal. 

Berlusconi Does Community Service

A new media petition asking, What would you have Silvio do?

Silvio's cool 'Get out of Jail Free' card got him closer to his wish of community service - he has asked to work in a geriatric home or disabled center.  So, finally, after 20 years in politics, someone will actually see the benefits; albeit only once a week (am or pm).  Or will they?  

I think the septuagenerian Berlusconi will provide a public service by paying for face lifts - boob jobs - and penile implants for all.  Here, I've compiled the best of Italian humor on how he's going to be spending his time...

Cleaning the halls of one of his villas

Silvio the crooner - known for his 'entertainments'

Italy's near-90 yr old President
hopes that Silvio gets to assist the elderly

[Italians use 'sweep' to signify to 'screw']
So, here...
You loved to sweep, so enjoy!

 

Italians Flip Out over Women Cabinet Members in New Renzi Govt

Italy's youngest Prime Minister decided to take a very bold step - not in campaigning against government corruption, the mafia, and a bingo card of problems that beset Italy in the 21st century - but in his appointment of an unsightly crowd to help solve Italy's most severe problems:  Women.  
Italians, in response said that it "might be fine for Pope Francis and the Holy See" to put women in plum jobs, but, asserted that Italy is a Catholic country -- where women are reserved for only one high office: The Assumption of the Virgin, celebrated each August 15th.  
Some observers from Berlusconi's government were indignant, stating that "Women, especially the young ones, need to be seen in the back seats of limos with darkened windows or at plastic surgeons' waiting rooms and after, in centerfolds or the Pirelli Calendar" - but not standing in broad daylight with the President of the country. 
To keep octogenarian President Napolitano's blood pressure in check, he was told that the women were there to take measurements for new drapes and posed happily for the 'before' pictures in the reception room.

Others from the Left -- clearly unhappy that the women were so green they hadn't yet conceived of lining their pockets with bribes in order to sport the latest fashions at top euro prices -- complained that the Cabinet members should have "Put in a call to Armani" like Berlusconi's hooker-hookerupper, Nicole Minetti.

After an all-male film crew then sexually harassed the neo-Minister Boschi; taking it so far as to not addressing her with the formal "Lei" reserved for men in power only, they said they wanted to teach her a lesson.  "How dare she wear a color not found in nature - and during fashion week, of all things!"

Observers remarked that sadly, Italians truly hate change.  They much prefer men in black and grey suits while their mistresses can sport any color of tanga produced by La Perla.  That way, they stay distracted by the 'eye candy' while the millions stuffed in leather cases are passed from one to another, without anyone noticing.  "Now with women in high office, where is she going to stuff all the bribes?  In her bra?" one developer, who asks to remain anonymous, commented in disgust.

More on the Sexist Fixation from The Daily Mail

Italian Corruption: Going where (sadly, every man) has gone before

We barely finished celebrating Italy's first astronaut in space, when, the head of the ASI - Italian Space Agency has been caught with his hands (allegedly) in the multi-million euro till.  Their offices have been sequestered along with those of their suppliers - from their travel agency to their events planners.  Investigated for issuing false bills and taking multi-million euro junkets to Californian conferences that were not taking place; so much for being the pride and joy of Italy - in a year that saw their CERN researchers identify the Higgs Boson particle and sent a man into space.  Or is it, that, as a symbol of Italy, Enrico Saggese - an engineer with a whole lot of political ties - is just that? 
In his defense, he claims that these mysterious expenses were "an internal matter" and needed to be treated as such.  Nonetheless, it brings to mind that old joke about an International Space Agency - set in Geneve - looking for the right astronaut to send to a Mission to Mars:

They comb the world for an astronaut who could take on this mission.  It would last years.  You had to be nimble, ready for anything, and be a top scientist and in superb physical shape.  The Americans, the Chinese, India, S Korea, Canada...everyone is considered.  They are down to their last three candidates.

The American Astronaut comes in and says...
Well, of course, NASA has the no. 01 Space Program on earth. I've been training for years. I know every part of that ship, and could handle anything that's thrown at me.
I will do it for $600,000.

The Russian Cosmonaut sits down and states...
We were the brains behind the MIR Space Station. In the name of mother patria, we will make sure it is the best mission ever accomplished.  I am willing to leave my family, my motherland for this mission.  I will do it for $700,000.

Next, comes in the Italian astronaut.  He sits down, and with little fanfare, blurts out:
Three years?  Away from la famiglia?  I will do this job for $1 million.

Aghast, the committee Chairman says...
What? What are you talking about? Sure, your researchers are top-notch, but you don't even have any spaceships...You just sent your first man up in space!  The Americans have a space program that's been going on for decades!  The Russians have just as much experience!  What do you have to say for yourself?

The Italian gets up, shuts the door, and leans forward.  In hush tones he says...
Don't you get it?  Two-hundred for me / Two-hundred for you / and dee American goes to Mars!

To ESL Learners Everywhere: Why does Gate have to be synonymous with Scandal

I admit it, I have been fully relishing in the day by day revelations of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's alleged bullying rampage.  Only Illinois seems to be more corrupt, and we won't get into a Chicago / New Orleans showdown.  But what I can't tolerate is the moniker most of the press have haplessly attached to a scandal about a bridge:  BridgeGate.  It makes my skin crawl just to type the word.  Must we be condemned to add the suffix -Gate to every scandal that crosses our collective radar?  By now, most people interested in the news have no idea what or why this is.  I can just imagine dictionaries today, adding this suffix to the list of possible word endings.  I can see foreigners the world over scratching their heads, "Those are toll lanes, not gates!" or "Monica-Gate? How many people was she bonking?"
While in an Italian language forum one woman cast her plea out into the world..."Can someone please tell me what is Watergate?!"  A few years ago, the online press, Il Post took it on themselves to explain, in no uncertain terms, the bizarre practice with the Italian press, posting this headline:  Why all scandals are called Gate.
But what is an even more audacious commentary on American marketing prowess, is the fact that even Italian scandals sport the Gate ending, which always makes me wonder if they pronouce it, Gah-teh; which confuses them more than ever.  Rubygate / Batman-Gate / Sexy-Gate (the scandal covered in "Vesuvian sauce") -- they even relished in New York City Mayor's eating his pizza in true Italian style, with a fork = Fork-gate.  
I need to take a break because I am writhing in pain.
But, it didn't start with the Italians.  If I am to trust my web sources (hah!), it is the fearful English-hegemony French that started it all in the first place.  In 1978, a scandal broke which was quickly dubbed, Winegate.  From there, it was a slippery slope straight down to the bottom.  Today, we are treated to Hollande-Gate or Gayet-Gate.  Help me.  Please.  Someone.  Anyone.  Although I must say, European "Gate" scandals tend to be more associated with sex scandals than with corruption.  Maybe because they're more used to brushing off the bribes?
When will another scandal be so great as to stop the gate verbage cold?  Enron - Madoff - Parmalat. Parmalat was the largest financial scandal in history.  Berlusconi's Ruby Heartstealer could be called Rubyalat (which just happens to rhyme with "a lot") or  Hollande's First-Lady problems would be Premier Dame-alat?  Anything but Gate.  

For those of you who don't know what, in reality, Watergate even stands for, it was the name of the hotel complex situated on the Potomac where President Nixon's guys broke into the Democratic National Committee Headquarters.  

Recently, the President of Rome's regional government found a bug in his office underneath a chair, which garnered almost no mention in the press.  Most of Berlusconi's convictions rest upon wire-tapping of his inner circle and his adversaries alike. People don't think twice anymore.  It's no wonder that Gate may be here to stay.  Aiuto.

Italian: A phonetic language, after all

And it kills me to think of how difficult learning English must be for poor Italians, with our bear, bare's or our threw, through, thru and so on.  And if I lived in France, I for one would be on that committee to make French phonetic.  I mean, who needs all those unpronounced consonants, really?  
But this sighting at Rome's newly vamped, multi-million euro train station & bus terminal just took the piss right out of me...I mean, you have to hand it to the Italians, who do offer for all the rest of us, much signage in multi-languages.  The USA or UK could only be so accommodating.  But, prior to Google Translate, we'd all get a big kick out of the Italianish. Post Google Translate it's even all the more risible.  But this picture, showing the way to the Metro - otherwise known as a Subway in the USA, and the Underground in London well...

Picture & full article from Il Messaggero Roman newspaper

And just to confuse you English speakers, when you do, indeed, go to London and see signs for a subway, well, that'll just take you down underneath the busy streets and up to the other side of the road - a subway in fact (or a semi-private toilet, depending on how you look at it).

Check out my latest post on Burnt by the Tuscan Sun! 
Helicopter Parents meets HR.
http://burntbythetuscansun.blogspot.it/2014/01/finding-job-in-italy-what-not-to-do.html

Name Games of Italy

A bambino by any other name...will still poop its pants. 
That Italy is a male-chauvinist society is fairly common knowledge. I often bring into the blog the latest in keeping women feet on the pedals of their SUVs and on their cellphones to mamma [after all, going barefoot even in summer is barbaric, and pregnant? No one can afford kids anymore].  But in the name game, as one commentator told the press, Italy isn't in the 20th century, they're in the 1800s.  Well, as of today, all that changed.  Thanks to a dynamic couple from Milan, who refused to take "No" for an answer when told that their child could not bear the mother's last name. [For purposes of this post, I'll ignore the obvious - that even women's last names eventually lead back to a patriarch somewhere].
An Italian friend who had four kids 40 years ago with the woman who would become his life partner, was told that because they were unmarried, he would have to list on the birth certificate, 'Padre Sconosciuto' - Father Unknown.  Fast forward to our Milanese couple in 2012, and they were told that their offspring, if the were to sport the mom's name, would have to be listed the same way.  Outraged, and with the rest of the world on their side, they took their case to the European Union - and won.
Not so long ago, Italians decided that women could, indeed, change their own names.  But the laws drew the line on the kids.  I always liked the fact that women kept their own last names in Italy - but I've seen plenty of times, when the father is not part of their lives, how strange it is for the kids and their mom to have different identities altogether.  Gladly, that's not the norm.
So, Italy, one hyphen at a time, is allowing for names to be joined, for women to take their partner's last names, for children to take hers.  The last bastion is, in naming them strangely like Wednesday Addams, or Apple and such.  In one instant, and I believe it was a person who wanted to call their kid Adolf Hitler, or something like that, the judges intervened and refused to allow the name to go through. 
Moreover, middle names still cause problems.  I was actually not admitted to hospital once because I had filled out all the forms in the spaces provided: LAST NAME / FIRST NAME. Not thinking of my (largely unused) middle name.  When they took one look at my i.d. card, they said I'd have to start all over from scratch, months away, in order to get admitted properly.  I took the papers out of their hands and swiftly added my middle name to them...offering politely, that I had no idea what they were on about.
What would the Italians have done if they had gone the route of the Spaniards, and offered up a half dozen last names for every child birth?  Most of whom hail from the matriarchal side of the family?  I shudder to think of the bureaucracy that would ensue.

A few more fun posts on the Name Games of Italy:
Italian Name Origins
How (not) to correct your dual last names 
Fun Italian names

Day of Epiphany

Today is the celebration of the Epiphany. Or rather, it’s the day the old kitchen witch brings gifts for good kids or fills stockings with coal for the naughty ones. And traditionally, this has been the Big Day for little kids, up until not very long ago when Good St. Nick finally overtook her market share. After all, who could make it against a rosy-cheeked guy with reindeer and elves? Even though I thought La Befana might make a comeback post-Harry Potter, with her broomstick and all.But, I think La Befana’s image issue is actually representative of a deep-seated marketing problem which besets all of Italy.  Sure, everyone associates Italy with beautiful things, fast cars, and Pavarotti’s voice, but luxury goods aside, the Italians still haven’t quite caught the hang of brand imaging for everything else. Think about it: Jolly ol' St. Nick? Although originally hailing from Myrna (by some sources), he became Italian and gained sainthood there after all.  And yet, the guy’s gift-giving habit will forever more be associated with Laplanders and the North Pole. All because of shrewd branding by the guys who gave us Nokia [although it was Antonio Meucci or even Innocenzo Manzetti who actually invented the telephone].  Heck, even Google owes its engine to an Italian inventor.

Take our long-nosed Befana, for example: 

A scary old gift-bearing witch is the figure they chose to symbolize the arrival of the Three Wise Men…and to announce that God had come forth in the body of Jesus? My friend’s son here for a visit couldn’t sleep all night – not from anticipation, but from abject fear. Those wily Olde Englishmen - the forefathers of our mass-advertising execs -- already defying the Church with their divorce decrees, caught on to this story, and rebranded her for Halloween. And now trick or treating has taken Europe by a storm. 

[And dare I mention what happened to her when she reached America? Having already turned Halloween into practically a 2-month event including movies, Harry Potter book launches, yard decorations fit for MGM, haunted houses and so many costumes there actually exists a Dept of Halloween in China, it then took the witch, put her in the kitchen so she could stay (and they could sell her) year round.]

And those poor Sicilians steeped in tradition? They didn’t even get the scary witch and her treats to look forward to. Those kids only get 'I Morti', that night between Nov 1st and 2nd when they would be visited by dead relatives in the night. In the morning (if they hadn’t died of fright from boogeymen), they’d find scattered about the balconies or windowsills chestnuts, almonds, nuts, and dried up figs. It’s no wonder the practice never quite took off in the rest of the world despite centuries of migration to and occupation from dozens of other countries. 
Branding, my dear Watsonini. Branding.

Life in Italy: What to get the Italian Lover who has everything?

What to get the Italophile in your life? 

A User's Manual to Life in Italy!

Francesca Maggi takes off her rose-colored glasses and takes on Italy's world-renowned Quality of Life.  Starting with her X Commandments of Life in Italy [Thou shalt not covet thy customer, Thou shall hold La Mamma as your one true omnipresent and omniscient lord of the household], she tackles Italian bureaucracy, drivers, superstitions, traditions, La Mamma and more.  Readers will get a hilarious insider's guide from an outsider's perspective, taking us through the trials and tribulations of life in Bell'Italia.

About the author...Francesca Maggi first came to Italy at the tender age of 4 months.  A return visit at age 6 sealed her fate as she endured the agony and enjoyed the ecstasy of this country of contradictions.  She has been working with Italy for nearly 30 years, 20 of them as a resident while traveling the entire swathe of the Boot and taking in the sights, sounds & society's peccadillos from Trapani to Trieste, from Trento to Taranto.

Illustrations by...Each chapter is introduced by the inimitable witty vignettes of Gianni Falcone, or GianFalco...www.gianfalco.it which are part & parcel of the humor of the book...(including the cover image).  You can see more by Gianni by clicking the main tab on the blog page, Cartoon of the Week...or visiting his blogs on OpenSalon (Just a few Pixels) or Diario Acido.

What they're saying...Francesca Maggi is brilliant -- a modern day critic following in the footsteps of Luigi Barzini's The Italians.  Her stories are at once funny, irreverent and poignant.

OMG - i just read the first few paragraphs of the ''Baby on Board' part of your book! that was hilarious.....       i'm still laughing  ROFL!

Been reading your book and LOVE it!! Great insight and funny, FAMILIAR anecdotes!

Get a signed copy if you purchase the book off the Official Home Page 
Burnt by the Tuscan Sun

http://burntbythetuscansun.blogspot.com

Mozzarella from Naples: Italian Cuisine Good Enough to Eat?

Photo from the excellent website
SaporieRicetti

I am not someone who is paranoid about what I eat, although I am a firm believer in 'You are what you eat'.  I am seemingly intolerant to pretty much everything, but will never refuse a glass of prosecco, a slice of pizza or incredible nibbles that may give me a migraine later.  But, long before the show came out on Italy's toxic 'Terra dei Fuochi' (Scorched Earth - watch on youtube or find link on my Burnt by the Tuscan Sun facebook page) area surrounding Naples, and the place from where many of the gorgeous fruits of that earth abound, I gave up buying anything that I knew came from Campania (except cheese on my pizzas -- I could hardly go back in the cucina and ask where it came from).
After the show aired, about 30% of Italians did the same thing.  We were told that glowing tomatoes were being sold to all the big food cos., we saw old ladies with strawberry fields just below the toxic waste sites and insisting the water feeding her vines was good enough to drink.  We envisioned cows out to pasture with tumors larger than their udders.  So we stayed away.
So, in accordance with the Consortium for Bufala Mozzarella - four Consumer's Assocs., set out to prove everyone's worst fears.  And we were all stunned by the results.
They sent sample packages of mozzarella cheese bought in different parts of the country for testing in a lab in Germany.  They figured (rightly so), that no one would ever trust the results of local labs here in Italy...all it takes is a few slabs of dough in one's palms, I suppose to get the "right" outcome [just like "studies" conducted in the USA and financed by the very cos. they are purported to investigate].  I found this humorous, because along with Austria, these northern neighbors are the same ones who gave us glowing ricotta and blu mozzarella; new varieties the world had never seen.
Turns out, the Neapolitan mozzarella contained five times FEWER dioxins that are accepted by the Board of Health.  Somewhere in the processing, or maybe staying with the Bufalo in the first place, those chemicals that have lit the earth on fire were not getting into our food chain, after all.
This, in my opinion, was very good news.  Naturally, journalists affirmed that...had they been a bit more proactive back in the day - five years ago - when the cat got out of the cheese cloth...well, things would not have fallen so low.  Either way, I now only have to worry about my headaches from yeast when I down another pizza napoletana.

Amazon's Drone Delivery Arrives in Italy

Of course, this title is not true. But when the airwaves were abuzz with the sounds of Drones landing like Hitchcock's The Birds on your doorstep, well...I started fantasizing about what that might just look like in Bell'Italia:

First off, packages might be getting some lift-off in China, where I imagine if you're caught stealing the box outright you will find your head on a post in the piazza by noon the next day.  I even suppose this might work in the U.S. suburbs or rural areas where, should a box be landing on your doorstep, it's not a bad thing (that is, until another UnaBomber decides it's a pretty nifty way to deliver all sorts of evil without passing thru U.S. post offices and their darn stamp machines...).

But, clearly, boastful Bezos & his crew haven't quite conceived of the urban setting or else they never would have bragged about this service on 60 minutes and in markets where most have packages delivered round-the-clock.

The view from your window

Easy as 1-2-3

So, for starters, let's all just relish Amazon's vision for a few moments.  After all, there's not a person in all of Italy who wouldn't want to see mail being delivered to them - at all - drones or not.  [Okay, excepting the mail carriers who don't seem to want to deliver the mail even when they have to - as also featured in my book, in the chapter, The Postman Never Rings Even Once].  In this momentary blissful vision we see the Italian economy jump 6 points because people start ordering things online, rest assured they'll actually be delivered.  Heck - Amazon could even start a new service...Note to Amazon: Check to make sure the thing you ordered hadn't been swiftly substituted with a box of kleenex instead.

But then, bureaucracy rears its ugly head.  After all, who would sign for the package?  Those blips on the economy upswing would be merely temporary as companies far & wide go belly-up due to millions of belly-aching claims to the contrary:  I never rec'd my package.  Please resend or refund [okay, I know the refund is sheer fantasy but we are dreaming, right?) Note to Amazon: Add CCTV camera footage to assure the drop.]  Italian businesses still operate on the stay-at-home-wife for everything; including package delivery and trips to the post office [well, she's not so stay-at-home -- busying herself at the market stalls and passing her formative years in lines at the Post Office]. Packages cannot be left without someone's 'signature' (and I use the term loosely - as loosely as an unintelligible scribble since that's what signatures look like here).

The package gets dropped. Once, while loading up my car in front of my doorman building in my swanky Milanese neighborhood, I set down a huge bag of clothes (within the entryway and just beyond eyeshot of my usually vigilant doorman).  By the time I came downstairs again, the bag and most of its contents had vanished.  I found remnants of my articles strewn down the street; my familiar family of gypsies making off like, well, bandits.  To this day, I still can't decide if I was more upset from getting my clothes stolen, or discovering that some of my prized pieces actually went rejected by the wandering gypsies who took them in the first place.
So, yes, Amazon -- Drone Delivery would be a definite improvement in people's lives.  The hordes of gypsies currently plunging head first into humongous garbage containers like Santa picking out the perfect present -- could set their sticks aside - for good.  They would only have to gaze up in the sky to find their proverbial pennies from heaven dropped at their feet.  Before long, their Flea Markets (in the true sense of the words) would become Amazon outposts -- you could go to the Train Station or around the Vatican and shop to your heart's delight - at bargain prices.  And everything, in spanking new condition.

Imagine that-Amazon's Drone Delivery would actually put the bricks & mortar shops they've so roundly razed back in business.  It might not be a bad thing, after all.

A USA-ITALY Cultural Differences in perspective

While all us (Italian and foreign) dog lovers in Bell'Italia would agree with this poll - and I cite the gazillion dog lovers I meet & greet every day at the parks - Many Italians do not live in urban centers. Dogs are parked in gardens or are strictly utilitarian - for hunting, for truffles, for saving lives, for experimentation or guarding the home or farm animals.  They are loved and respected.  But generally are not allowed near kids or kitchens.  I have a few excerpts in my book, Burnt by the Tuscan Sun dedicated to the health risks of pets interacting with humans.  



One sight you rarely see on Italian portals are these...but they do exist. Just like the Loch Ness monster.

In the USA - 93% consider pets as family
In Italy...it would be interesting to see the statistic

Captain Erich Priebke on the lam - but only after death

If it's true that 'Only the good die young', well then former Nazi and clearly not-so-good Christian Erich Priebke who died on October 11th, 2013 at the ripe old age of 100 is the poster boy for that sentiment.  I first learned of Priebke when visiting the Fosse Ardeatine - the Ardeatine ditches, the site of a WWII massacre conducted under the direction of a certain Captain Priebke.  I always take people there - it's the closest you can come to feeling the horror and randomness of war.  I really never gave much thought as to whether the man responsible was still alive.  Not only was he alive, he was clearly well-off, imbibing in fine Italian wines compliments of the countrymen that he had slaughtered.  

Although he'd been extradited to Italy from Argentina only in the late 1990s (following a US News report), he'd been shuttling in and out of courts while claiming he was merely following orders ever since.  Because of his age, he more or less got a slap on the wrist for his efforts.  And so I thought it was peculiarly astounding when, in death, the Vatican (the very country that gave him his 'Get out of Jail Free' card; issuing him a passport to Argentina back in 1946, with an Argentinian Pope would have refused a funeral and burial in the church. The story gets even stranger when a priest of Jewish origin and 'friend of the good Christian soldier, Priebke' decided he would hold a funeral for him in Albano -- in the shadows of the Pope's summer residence. 

Priebke had requested to be buried back in Argentina with his wife.  But the Argentines wouldn't hear of it.  The coffin seemed to be going from one town to the next, rejected here, rejected there.  One day, he'd be sent supposedly to Germany; the next, the German Embassy would report they had not been contacted at all.

All the shenanigans started to remind me of New York City's 1987 Garbage Barge...the little tugboat that couldn't -- aimlessly wandering from port to port, with no one taking the trash.  It's an amazing story now being re-examined on the New York Times' RetroReport - a fantastic look into the stories of our day (at least the days of those of us born before the 1980s, that is).  While Priebke claimed he was being blamed for all of the Nazi atrocities of WWII, it is true that from an Italian point of view, he did command thousands to their demise.  The last time I checked into the news, his body was in a hangar at Rome's airport, with his family saying he had been sequestered.

While Fascist sympathizer scuffled with anti-fascists, one person tweeted about the hypocrisy.  Let's face it-how many hundreds of thousands did Bush/Cheney kill in their quagmire of Iraq?  Or how many innocents have perished under President Obama's drones?  Why, indeed, draw the line on a 100 yr old former Nazi?  

Or to 'InHouse arrest' in a Central Roman villaPhoto Credit:  Urban MediaLab Waste

I thought he might be better off with a Burial at Sea, since Italy didn't want any memorials that would attract fascist worshippers. The compromise, is that Priebke will be buried in an 'undisclosed location'.  

Dan Rather called the Barge to Nowhere travails "The most-watched load of garbage in the memory of man."  We've since been outdone in that department, what with the Great Pacific Garbage patches, the Naples garbage overflows, and the closing of Europe's largest landfill, Rome's Malagrotta [with no announcement of new candidates for openings...].  As for Priebke, he will be gone, but hopefully not forgotten to the scrap heap of war crimes.  

For some cool pics of Garbage Barges floating up & down the East River in NYC, click here.

Ahhhh...Alitalia takes a nose dive

Okay-you know things are bad with your Company when the last resort to bail you out is a company so broke it has stopped mail delivery -- and it's the one who is supposed to be delivering the mail.  This is like Detroit trying to get bailed out by Lehman Bros.  I don't know where to start with this incredible story of how - gasp! - horrors! - The Italian Post Office is going to save Alitalia, so I'll start at the end:  Let it fail.  It's not like we'll all suddenly be stranded on our little peninsula - it's a peninsula, after all, and we could always train it out if worse came to worst.  There are plenty of airlines who would gladly pay for the slots, they just don't want to buy the Company those slots come with.

Picture by Gianni Falcone - Diario Acido

I dedicate an entire chapter in my book, Burnt by the Tuscan Sun to Italy's Post Office:  The Postman Never Rings (even) Once.  So I can't think for the life of me how you could take a company, so totally removed from the idea of getting letters and packages from point A to point B, whose only m.o. is 'raise the rates' and maybe we'll make money, and put them in charge of trying to get people and luggage from one place to another.  They'll probably put into practice their current system:  Raise all ticket prices to coincide with Denmark's, and double all prices to & from America, they can afford it.

Italy's post office offers tons of other services; so much so, they shouldn't even be in the letter business to begin with.  But, I guess I can see the commonalities: Nowadays you don't need tickets to board planes, in Italy, you don't need stamps to mail your letters.  Furthermore, both entities have problems with stealing -- fancy items from luggage / fancy items from envelopes.  Talk about core businesses.  I'm thinking that the union personnel over at the Post Office is totally behind this one:  If one group of people is going to have an upgrade, it'll be the poor sods rifling - errr - handling envelopes in the back room.  They're salivating at the bit to get their hands on real cool stuff like cameras and phones and jewelry.
But it's all not as ludicrous as the goins on elsewhere in the postal services:  The U.S. Postal Service is cutting back as well, out of money, and in the red.  And so they spend $40 million to finance Lance Armstrong through consecutive Tours de France?  [and over $100 million on the Olympics??!! -- If there's any need for a government agency shutdown, this would be near the top of my list.  Adding insult to injury, with Lance Armstrong's doping confession, they're trying to get their money returned to sender.  Maybe Lance should just try and buy an airline and it'll all work out for the best.

Your recommended reading list of all things Alitalia (from the last time they went up for sale in 2008) as reported by yours, truly in Burnt by the Tuscan Sun:
Alitalia's Turbulent Ride 
What goes up ...
Amore per Alitalia
Who's who in Alitalia deal
Alitalia's Reality: Lost or Survivor?
Alitalia's Three Card Monty 

And, if you want to try and wrap your head around the reasons behind a failed govt agency spending money on athletes, Start Here.