Italy still Denying that Women can Rock

Touting itself as, "The best major festival in Italy" [I know, I know, damn that GoogleTranslate!!] every summer our Italian Post Office sponsors a total man-fest Rock in Roma concert series, blatantly keeping women out of the program, six years running. Clearly, Italy, despite gifting us a string of hugely talented and successful women rockers, including awesome voices like Gerardina Trovato - the Tracy Chapman of Sicily - Georgia and Fiorella Mannoia, still prefers the comfort of a caveman existence, highlighted by the playlist coming out of the Rock & Roll show.

Organizers state, "Well, we need to keep up with Mali and Saudi Arabia. Their concert series attract thousands."  Before adding, "With this new Pope, even Vatican concerts are more inclusive. Someone's gotta keep women out of the picture. And besides, Madonna, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga act too much like divas. They want to sing, let 'em go to Perugia Jazz Festival.

Once you get your head around the fact that the bankrupt Post Office should be sponsoring anything, (clearly taking a cue from the U.S. Post Office sponsoring the Tour de France bicycle race, an event that went out of the American public's consciousness about when letter-sending did), you wonder what form of machismo is their artistic director made of.  Heck, with photos like this, they could even take the daring step and invite Conchita Wurst, the Eurovision contest winner, and keep to their XY chromosome entry bar.

Here are the 2013 and 2014 Rosters - You can go back even further here -- and try to find the girl groups (in bold below). Of course, with names like Smack my bitch up and Symphony of Destruction, obviously it's a guy-thang.

2014 ROCK IN ROMA LINEUP

GIUDA + THE CYBORGS                                                                 

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE + WE ARE SCIENTISTS             

BILLY IDOL + JESUS WAS HOMELESS                

AVENGED SEVENFOLD

THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS

PRODIGY /  DIE ANTWOORD    

ARCADE FIRE

ROB ZOMBIE / MEGADETH 

DAVID GUETTA

METTALICA + ALICE IN CHAINS

THE BLACK KEYS

THE LUMINEERS + PASSENGER

PAOLO NUTINI + THE RAINBAND

EDITORS

CAPAREZZA

PLACEBO - well, they have one woman on stage

BASTILLE + GEORGE EZRA

AFTERHOURS 

FRANZ FERDINAND + THE CRIBS

————————————————————— 

201E ROCK IN ROMA LINEUP

MY BLOODY VALENTINE

GREEN DAY

THE KILLERS 

STEREOPHONICS

TOTO

KORN

BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE

IGGY & THE STOOGES

MAX GAZE’

RAMMSTEIN

ARCTIC MONKEYS

MILES KANE

SPRINGSTEEN

MARK KNOPFLER & BAND

SMASHING PUMPKINS

MARK LANEGAN BAND

ATOMS FOR PEACE

SKA-P

DEEP PURPLE

ZUCCHERO 

DANIELE SILVESTRI

NEIL YOUNG

DEVENDRA BANHART

SIGUR ROS

BLUR NEGRITA

THE CURE 

GARBAGE

NINA ZILLI 

And, lest you think it's because women don't rock hard, even names like Neil Young and The Beach Boys are listed. So where's Blondie, Pat Benatar or even, Tracy Chapman?  And, just to fool you into thinking there are women groups, they've added groups like Nigrita or Devendra (pictured above) - but, no, if you're a woman rocker, better to be out of sight, out of ear shot for PostePay,  Live Nation and co-sponsors City of Rome, Corriere della Sera, and others.

"Look, we're sponsored by the Post Office. All those women tellers stand behind thick glass windows so you can't hear a word they're saying. And in Italy, we still call them PostMen - il Postino - just like the movie. And besides, have you ever seen a woman delivering mail?  We're just upholding a long-standing tradition."

Buon Giorno, Putin! Have we gotta deal for you!

Photo from Il Fatto Quotidiano

In the middle of Italy's prolonged economic crisis, which is still ongoing, Berlusconi's Defense Minister La Russo decided to throw motor oil atop the festering flames of a population forced to hear "we don't have the money" for nursery schools or hospital toilet paper or school repairs. He did what any despotic dictator would do, and purchased 19 Maserati's for his cronies errr...commanders to the tune of 2.2 M euro. Saying they were low budget items, like no-name brand toothpaste, he said that he not only saved the country money vis-a-vis Audi's, but that it helped create jobs for those poor folks slaving away on the Maserati assembly line. After all, it was a world economic crisis and those cars just weren't in high demand.
This year, many of these infamous auto blu - dark blue sedans for politicians - went up for auction, as part of an austerity program instigated by, I believe, former short-term Prime Minister, Monti. And while most of the standard cars (about 200) went for sale, it seems no one - not even the idly rich political class wants to pay the VAT (Value Added Tax) on a used vehicle.
So, the government went to ebay.
Unfortunately, it appears that the dark windows and bullet-proof doors aren't for everyone. Not even the mafia nor the camorra.  
So, Silvio?  You're good friends with Putin...why don't you play the middleman? I'm sure these kinds of cars are in big demand over there.  And maybe the Italian government would even give you a percentage on the deal. 

Berlusconi Does Community Service

A new media petition asking, What would you have Silvio do?

Silvio's cool 'Get out of Jail Free' card got him closer to his wish of community service - he has asked to work in a geriatric home or disabled center.  So, finally, after 20 years in politics, someone will actually see the benefits; albeit only once a week (am or pm).  Or will they?  

I think the septuagenerian Berlusconi will provide a public service by paying for face lifts - boob jobs - and penile implants for all.  Here, I've compiled the best of Italian humor on how he's going to be spending his time...

Cleaning the halls of one of his villas

Silvio the crooner - known for his 'entertainments'

Italy's near-90 yr old President
hopes that Silvio gets to assist the elderly

[Italians use 'sweep' to signify to 'screw']
So, here...
You loved to sweep, so enjoy!

 

Mussolini loses his citizenship

In what some people thought was an April Fool's joke on the part of city administrators of Torino (Turin), Benito Mussolini was stripped of his place of honor of nearly a century as an upright citizen of Torino.  
"And you people thought that giving keys to the City was just a matter of pomp.  Just know, we can give you the keys and generations later, when we re-write history, we can take them away," remarked Torino's Mayor.

Fascism - from the Etruscan & later
Roman Empire idea
that bound together (with fasces)
we are strong

While they 'whited out' Mussolini's citizenship from the storied ledgers and restored their place in history as anti-fascist, officials chose to whitewash Torino's birthplace of the Kings of Italy.  Victor Emanuel III of the House of Savoy is the guy who brought Mussolini to power after WWI, appointing him Prime Minister at the age of 39 and with no prior experience in politics.  When the monarchy was voted out after WWII, Victor fled to live out his last days in Alexandria, Egypt, a bit like Marc Anthony back in better times.  
The House of Savoy was exiled and its male descendants not permitted to re-enter Italy -- until 2002 -- after Italians realized that, due to centuries of in-breeding, the family was pretty much innocuous -- And besides, they couldn't inflict much more damage than the Italian politicians themselves (from either party), including Berlusconi, Prodi & Co.
Clearly suffering an identity complex, no sooner was the heir, Victor Emanuel, allowed in the country than he took a cue from Berlusconi, and was arrested for abetting prostitution and corruption.  Not to be outdone, the Savoys then tried to sue Italy for damages done to them following their 20th century reign. Italy counter-sued for damages, and, the Italian courts expect a decision sometime in the year 2167.  The Jewish community, almost exterminated entirely under the Savoy reign, is still waiting for damages as well.

When asked about Mussolini's place in history, showman and former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, and Putin pal, put it best:

"Mussolini never killed anyone. 

At most, he just sent people for vacation on the border." 

After the vote, and in a rare moment of sheer lucidity, some of the Torino cabinet from the extreme Lega Party demanded that Torino change the name of one of its major thoroughfares, the Avenue of the Soviet Union.  
Seeing how events are unfolding in Crimea, the Mayoral office decided to take a 'wait and see attitude' - citing, "You never know, like Alessandra Mussolini, or Alemanno, the fascist Mayor of Rome, there's always time for a comeback-just ask Putin. Or Berlusconi."


*Veritas Check:  Incredibly, everything in this post is entirely true except the quotes from the Torino Mayoral office.

La Grande Bellezza Receives Pulitzer Grand Prize - Journalism's Highest Honor

§  La Grande Bellezza  §

Sorrentino's Oscar-winning & film and tribute to Fellini has been recognized by cultural commentators the world over for giving the world a new nauseating description for italophiles of the 21st century.  The title of his film, displacing the hackneyed La Dolce Vita when referring to every single aspect of Italian life, sweet or not, we now have a new term of phrase.  

According to Google, La Grande Bellezza has already been used in the English and Italian press to describe everything from a night out in Rome to walking tours to Italian runway models and even the Detroit Auto Show - Really?! - over 6.789.438.000 times (and counting).  So much so, the NYTimes is considering mounting a fast-paced time clock just ringing up whenever someone - anyone - from Saskatchewan to Seattle uses the phrase in a blog, article, newsletter, profile, you name it.  A spokesperson for the Times commented, "Well, this is so much more important - I mean, it took centuries for Et Tu, Brutus? to die out.  We think La Grande Bellezza won't even become nauseating until at least 2340."

It's been said that Fellini can stop shouting from his grave, "Ironia!  Ironia!  Ow many times must I cry out in desperation, Irony!" and rest finalmente in peace.  As for the Pulitzer committee, starting this April, they have decided to rename their esteemed prize, La Grande Bellezza.

Italy...And the Art of the Impossible

Italians love to use the expression that they are experts at the Art of the Impossible, and...judging from history...there's a lot of truth to that.  But now, the announcement by British model and Social Enterprise Entrepreneur Lily Cole to launch her life's mission, Impossible.com well, Italians see that they must step up to the plate.

Click here for full webcast from The Guardian

Surprisingly articulate for a blonde model, Lily Cole took the Italian press by a storm with her announcement to launch a social enterprise that will help people achieve their dreams.  But for Italians, the real story behind her activism was that this youthful Lily sits on boards or donates time, energy and funds to over 20 social foundations.  This sparked an outrage amongst Italian models, first among them, Carla Bruni, who stated, "Why would anyone want to actually work, when they can just marry the President of a country?  It does wonders (along with plastic surgery) for the staying power of your failed career."

Not to be outdone, Berlusconi's Friends with Big Benefits [which includes monthly stipends, jewelry, private planes and hush money], said they were announcing a new online site, too, called "Possibile" -  written in Italian so no one can ever find it - where they would teach other aspiring call girls how anything is possible if you just 'know the right people."


Ruby Rubacuore (in English, Ruby Heartstealer) said she'll teach women how to revive a flacid member in 6 minutes or less.  She says that she'll offer unique workshops on working a penis pump so even an octogenerian Lothario can believe he's all in.  The amount of money you can make is obscene; enough to buy your own sportscars or Rolex watches.  

Nicole Minetti will work the angle of teaching organizational skills for any aspiring Madam.  Her motto?  Why give away money if you don't get something in return?  She'll show women the ropes of sleeping your way around the houses of the European Parliament as well.   "The amount of money politicians are willing to throw your way? Ridiculous.  I'm so glad I can actually do something worthwhile with my riches.  By showing others how to suck at the public teat so to speak (after getting your own blown up to epic proportions) will be terrific."

Noemi Letizia who is remembered by having a visit by Silvio at her 18 yr birthday party says she's been able to capitalize on her "friendship with Papi" by finding the ideal plastic surgeon who will keep her looking like all of the President's women - with those big fish lips and ironed blonde hair.  "Anything is possible if you just close your eyes when you suck him off and dream of the gifts that will be on your way."

And finally, the Dama Bianca, Federica Gagliardi (arrested today while trying to import 24kg of coke from Venezuela) will show you how to "Just ask for favors in a quick elevator pitch (my secret: It helps to look like the Silvio 'Type' - blonde & big-lipped).  I told Papi I wanted a private jet to the G20, before you knew it, I had half a dozen men to sleep with and ply me with cocaine.  I'm so happy I can show women how to blow through the blow, so to speak. So they can be a model for others and show that they, too, can make riches and not do anything noteworthy with them (well, buying a nice villa is, of course, always a good thing in this day & age - you never know when you're under House Arrest).  

People will understand that with our new endeavor, anything is Possibile.  Anything.  So just take it lying down if someone tells you otherwise.

"Veronica" Lario - Mrs. Berlusconi 2

Italians Flip Out over Women Cabinet Members in New Renzi Govt

Italy's youngest Prime Minister decided to take a very bold step - not in campaigning against government corruption, the mafia, and a bingo card of problems that beset Italy in the 21st century - but in his appointment of an unsightly crowd to help solve Italy's most severe problems:  Women.  
Italians, in response said that it "might be fine for Pope Francis and the Holy See" to put women in plum jobs, but, asserted that Italy is a Catholic country -- where women are reserved for only one high office: The Assumption of the Virgin, celebrated each August 15th.  
Some observers from Berlusconi's government were indignant, stating that "Women, especially the young ones, need to be seen in the back seats of limos with darkened windows or at plastic surgeons' waiting rooms and after, in centerfolds or the Pirelli Calendar" - but not standing in broad daylight with the President of the country. 
To keep octogenarian President Napolitano's blood pressure in check, he was told that the women were there to take measurements for new drapes and posed happily for the 'before' pictures in the reception room.

Others from the Left -- clearly unhappy that the women were so green they hadn't yet conceived of lining their pockets with bribes in order to sport the latest fashions at top euro prices -- complained that the Cabinet members should have "Put in a call to Armani" like Berlusconi's hooker-hookerupper, Nicole Minetti.

After an all-male film crew then sexually harassed the neo-Minister Boschi; taking it so far as to not addressing her with the formal "Lei" reserved for men in power only, they said they wanted to teach her a lesson.  "How dare she wear a color not found in nature - and during fashion week, of all things!"

Observers remarked that sadly, Italians truly hate change.  They much prefer men in black and grey suits while their mistresses can sport any color of tanga produced by La Perla.  That way, they stay distracted by the 'eye candy' while the millions stuffed in leather cases are passed from one to another, without anyone noticing.  "Now with women in high office, where is she going to stuff all the bribes?  In her bra?" one developer, who asks to remain anonymous, commented in disgust.

More on the Sexist Fixation from The Daily Mail