Italy...And the Art of the Impossible

Italians love to use the expression that they are experts at the Art of the Impossible, and...judging from history...there's a lot of truth to that.  But now, the announcement by British model and Social Enterprise Entrepreneur Lily Cole to launch her life's mission, Impossible.com well, Italians see that they must step up to the plate.

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Surprisingly articulate for a blonde model, Lily Cole took the Italian press by a storm with her announcement to launch a social enterprise that will help people achieve their dreams.  But for Italians, the real story behind her activism was that this youthful Lily sits on boards or donates time, energy and funds to over 20 social foundations.  This sparked an outrage amongst Italian models, first among them, Carla Bruni, who stated, "Why would anyone want to actually work, when they can just marry the President of a country?  It does wonders (along with plastic surgery) for the staying power of your failed career."

Not to be outdone, Berlusconi's Friends with Big Benefits [which includes monthly stipends, jewelry, private planes and hush money], said they were announcing a new online site, too, called "Possibile" -  written in Italian so no one can ever find it - where they would teach other aspiring call girls how anything is possible if you just 'know the right people."


Ruby Rubacuore (in English, Ruby Heartstealer) said she'll teach women how to revive a flacid member in 6 minutes or less.  She says that she'll offer unique workshops on working a penis pump so even an octogenerian Lothario can believe he's all in.  The amount of money you can make is obscene; enough to buy your own sportscars or Rolex watches.  

Nicole Minetti will work the angle of teaching organizational skills for any aspiring Madam.  Her motto?  Why give away money if you don't get something in return?  She'll show women the ropes of sleeping your way around the houses of the European Parliament as well.   "The amount of money politicians are willing to throw your way? Ridiculous.  I'm so glad I can actually do something worthwhile with my riches.  By showing others how to suck at the public teat so to speak (after getting your own blown up to epic proportions) will be terrific."

Noemi Letizia who is remembered by having a visit by Silvio at her 18 yr birthday party says she's been able to capitalize on her "friendship with Papi" by finding the ideal plastic surgeon who will keep her looking like all of the President's women - with those big fish lips and ironed blonde hair.  "Anything is possible if you just close your eyes when you suck him off and dream of the gifts that will be on your way."

And finally, the Dama Bianca, Federica Gagliardi (arrested today while trying to import 24kg of coke from Venezuela) will show you how to "Just ask for favors in a quick elevator pitch (my secret: It helps to look like the Silvio 'Type' - blonde & big-lipped).  I told Papi I wanted a private jet to the G20, before you knew it, I had half a dozen men to sleep with and ply me with cocaine.  I'm so happy I can show women how to blow through the blow, so to speak. So they can be a model for others and show that they, too, can make riches and not do anything noteworthy with them (well, buying a nice villa is, of course, always a good thing in this day & age - you never know when you're under House Arrest).  

People will understand that with our new endeavor, anything is Possibile.  Anything.  So just take it lying down if someone tells you otherwise.

"Veronica" Lario - Mrs. Berlusconi 2

To ESL Learners Everywhere: Why does Gate have to be synonymous with Scandal

I admit it, I have been fully relishing in the day by day revelations of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's alleged bullying rampage.  Only Illinois seems to be more corrupt, and we won't get into a Chicago / New Orleans showdown.  But what I can't tolerate is the moniker most of the press have haplessly attached to a scandal about a bridge:  BridgeGate.  It makes my skin crawl just to type the word.  Must we be condemned to add the suffix -Gate to every scandal that crosses our collective radar?  By now, most people interested in the news have no idea what or why this is.  I can just imagine dictionaries today, adding this suffix to the list of possible word endings.  I can see foreigners the world over scratching their heads, "Those are toll lanes, not gates!" or "Monica-Gate? How many people was she bonking?"
While in an Italian language forum one woman cast her plea out into the world..."Can someone please tell me what is Watergate?!"  A few years ago, the online press, Il Post took it on themselves to explain, in no uncertain terms, the bizarre practice with the Italian press, posting this headline:  Why all scandals are called Gate.
But what is an even more audacious commentary on American marketing prowess, is the fact that even Italian scandals sport the Gate ending, which always makes me wonder if they pronouce it, Gah-teh; which confuses them more than ever.  Rubygate / Batman-Gate / Sexy-Gate (the scandal covered in "Vesuvian sauce") -- they even relished in New York City Mayor's eating his pizza in true Italian style, with a fork = Fork-gate.  
I need to take a break because I am writhing in pain.
But, it didn't start with the Italians.  If I am to trust my web sources (hah!), it is the fearful English-hegemony French that started it all in the first place.  In 1978, a scandal broke which was quickly dubbed, Winegate.  From there, it was a slippery slope straight down to the bottom.  Today, we are treated to Hollande-Gate or Gayet-Gate.  Help me.  Please.  Someone.  Anyone.  Although I must say, European "Gate" scandals tend to be more associated with sex scandals than with corruption.  Maybe because they're more used to brushing off the bribes?
When will another scandal be so great as to stop the gate verbage cold?  Enron - Madoff - Parmalat. Parmalat was the largest financial scandal in history.  Berlusconi's Ruby Heartstealer could be called Rubyalat (which just happens to rhyme with "a lot") or  Hollande's First-Lady problems would be Premier Dame-alat?  Anything but Gate.  

For those of you who don't know what, in reality, Watergate even stands for, it was the name of the hotel complex situated on the Potomac where President Nixon's guys broke into the Democratic National Committee Headquarters.  

Recently, the President of Rome's regional government found a bug in his office underneath a chair, which garnered almost no mention in the press.  Most of Berlusconi's convictions rest upon wire-tapping of his inner circle and his adversaries alike. People don't think twice anymore.  It's no wonder that Gate may be here to stay.  Aiuto.